Dating can be a tricky thing to do, especially when you are new to it. But dating a queer individual or mere idea of approaching a person who is queer can be a new experience for you.
Dating someone from the community can be tricky and the most wonderful experiences at the same time. Dating apps bring us closer to a potential partner but in order to approach and impress them, we should up our awareness game. Basic human decency along with knowledge can do wonders for those who are still figuring out the rules of the dating game.
If you are a woman attracted to women, you know how it is to approach a woman without objectifying her and if you are a gay man approaching a potential boyfriend, you are always confused about asking what their preferences are. Dating as a transperson can come up with many insecurities due to constant stigma related to trans folks.
So gear up to learn few things about how to be an aware and informed partner of a queer person.
Rule #1 People belonging to LGBTQIA+ Community, are people, like every other person.
Rule #2 Never forget rule 1 and have empathy to listen to your partner or potential partner for a healthy relationship.
The first impression is the last impression, so be careful about what you say to your potential date! Here are 10 things that you should never say about gender/orientation to your queer date –
- So you are Bi? Do you do threesomes ?
Dear Straight couples on dating sites, this one is for you specially. This one is a huge NO! Bisexuals don’t exist for your threesomes. Imagine getting approached by someone thinking they are interested in dating you as a person and then finding out a couple behind the screen eagerly thinking to use you for their fantasies. This one is offensive and downright humiliating for bisexuals trying their luck at dating.
- What does Pansexual mean? You are attracted to Pans or what?
What does ignorant mean? Oh that means people like you asking such questions? Google about Pansexuality instead of expecting a Pansexual person explaining you what is it on a dating site. Also, don’t judge or shame them for being attracted to trans folks. It only shows your transphobia along with ignorance.
- Why do you queer people dress weirdly, can’t you try dressing “normally”?
Wait, What? What is “weirdly” for you, can be “normal” for others. This one stereotype that all queer people dress in a different manner. However, People irrespective of sexual orientation and gender, can dress the way they want. Shaming people for their dressing choices are offensive and controlling. A queer man can apply nailpaint, A queer woman can be bald and so and so forth. People prefer non-judgmental, supportive people as partners because that’s what partners are supposed to do, lift their partner up instead of shaming, stereotyping or name calling them.
- Asexual? I think you haven’t found the right person yet!
This literally translates to “I don’t believe that a orientation like asexual exists and that’s why I will gaslight you while putting pressure on you to try finding the ‘one’ .”
This is one of the worst things you can say to an ace individual. This should be avoided. If they are on a dating site, they are actually trying to find the right person, spreading A-phobia will make you the ‘‘wrong person’’.
- How can you feel like a man for a particular day and then a woman next day, you need a doctor!
Ever heard about gender non binary people? Or gender fluidity ? No! Then, I don’t need a doctor, you need a book on queer theory and gender! Try to understand different orientations and genders by reading researches, articles, etc instead of making such insensitive remarks.
- Hey! Top here! You look bottom, no?
Like every gym going guy is not a top gay, every skinny/chubby guy who wear kurtas or into music/poetry is not a bottom! Please stop stereotyping your own community. Femme gays can be tops too, People belonging to so-called masculine cultures can also be a versatile. For a healthy dating experience for all, look beyond the looks and try knowing the person better.
- You are not a Lesbian if you do that!
“ You are not a lesbian if you keep such feminine traits! You are not a lesbian if you do so and so things, You aren’t a lesbian because of this xyz thing done by you.” I thought people look for a potential partner or love interest on dating sites instead of certification of being a lesbian. Staph ! Specially straight dudes who are trying to text or approach lesbian women for “fun” or “converting” them. That’s not going to happen. Fellow Lesbian women, throw stereotypes into the big and support this wonderful person whom you thought to contact in this first place.
- Aromantic! Is that even a thing?
Yes, aromantics are a “thing”, actually no, Aromantics are the people who don’t feel romantic attraction towards anyone. They exist and They need compassion . They can feel sexual and aesthetic attraction so apart from good looks, you need to be good by nature to think about dating them. Questioning somebody’s orientation is off limits in the dating game.
- Why you never told me that you are trans?
This usually comes up when a person ask their partner why they never told you they are transgender/trans-sexual. You need to ask yourself some questions before asking them this- Does them being from trans community matter? Why? Because society will judge you? Doesn’t this person matter more than the society’s norms?
Asking a trans individual such questions followed by more questions is problematic. Being trans, they don’t owe you an explanation. If you aren’t dating a person because they are trans, sorry but you have transphobia which needs to be done away with. Trans people are people. Period.
- But how will you raise kids in the society ?
If every time a queer person who got this question asked by somebody got a 2000 rupees note, Queer people will be millionaires by now without exploiting the working class. We face this question from parents, friends, acquaintances, relatives. At a date, please don’t ask this question. Queer people who want kids (because some us just like others don’t want to have kids and raise them), will raise them the way they want to. Sorry, we don’t need a course or lecture on how parenting as a queer person of by defying patriarchal gender roles is going to ruin lives of our future kids. If those who are planning or having ambition to have kids and a family, they already know how they are going to do their parenting. If you are trying to put heterosexuality or heterosexual gender roles down their throat by this question, then I am sorry to break your bubble, this isn’t going to happen. Probably you will get blocked.
All the best for your experience and don’t forget to educate yourself about different orientations and genders!